bounce

i know i have let the people who care about me worried. especially mum. i know u realize all i can eat this week can't even equal what i eat in a day sometimes. but people who really know me should also know i am a man who can keep his promise. i know i have been to very dark places, now i am under the sun shine.To family and friends:

IF I SAID I WILL BOUNCE, I WILL BOUNCE! STRAIGHT BACK UP! :-)

the battle is over...

i guess the battle within myself is finally over, thanks for every one of you who have stayed with me, accept me as i am and allow me to be true to myself, thanks :-) i will move on!

it's not brave if you are not scared

we always want to make the best, the flawless decision ever, now i know it's a never, we always make mistakes, we were, we are and we shall be, what i think is more important now is to be true to our feelings. i am never good at this and i usually just put it all inside. i have take a big step to let my feelings out today. we don't know what will happen next, no one can promise but at least i have try, i have make my effort. i can live with the consequences. It's not brave if you are not scared.

it's hot!

today is a ridiculously hot day. if i went out and run i don't think i can make it back home in one piece. So i stayed home instead and started my weigh training. 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups in ten settings and finish up with 6.6 lbs weigh training, 50 times on each arm. when i finish, i could barely bend my arms for a while, but i still haven't use up all the food reserve in my body as this is the third day straight i don't feel like eating already. whatever. at the end, a double yakult on rocks.

wish

alive

went running after work. the sun is bright. my mental self is trying to take over my phiscial self. couldn't swallow anything down the whole day, all i have is milk tea after milk tea. the only thing that keeps me sane. energy level is really low. once i start ruuning, stomach hurts, head hurts, can't breathe. suck all the pain and run as hard as i can. the pain keeps me at the edge, helps me concentrate. hear my heavy heartbeat, know i'm still very much alive. win a battle, lose a war.

frustrated

thought i was walking away from the dark and all of a sudden, i find myself walking into another dark corner. when is this mind game going to end? am i always going be haunted by past memories? am i my worst demon? so frustrated ... so not supposed to be...

happy

Finally, i am feeling much better, can't describe how i did it but ... i did it. I know good things don't always happen and i just hope i didn't took things for granted and i'll cherish what i've got. I am going to remember this day, the tenth of April, two thousands and six, 'the day i can be happy about :-)'

old friends

Going through some of the very old CDs in my collection and rediscovered them... E-17's resurrection and Alanis's jagged little pill. I bought 'resurrection' for almost ten years now but every time i listen to it, it still give me that groove i need. And i love 'ironic' in 'jagged little pill' so much.

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you, When you think everything's okay and everything's going right, And life has a funny way of helping you out when, You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face,

A traffic jam when you're already late, A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break, It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife, It's meeting the man of my dreams, And then meeting his beautiful wife, And isn't it ironic...don't you think...

the sky is about to fall...

Can't sleep very well these couple of nights, even when i'm alseep, i'm half awake. Last night, i decided not to force myself into sleep and so i played video games till the morning came, i slept and when i wake up, it's already 4:00 in the afternoon. Since it seems sunny outside, i quickly put on my running gear, bring my ipod and rushed outside. The weather was really bad, it's not sunny but it's hot, it's not rainy but it's wet. The sky is about to fall. I sweat even more that usual because of the weather, i haven't stop even my sweat is blurring my eyes. But when i stopped the feeling was good, it feels like all the emotions, the uncertainty are out of my system... at least for a while.

So i was exhausted and i just picked a DVD, grab some food on this Sunday night.

sweat or spent

In order to stop me from thinking, to take away my mind, it's either sweat or spent. As you can see, today i choose to spent...tons of snacks, books, cap, jeans...

bad taste

You sleep with a bad taste, you wake up with one.

I thought a sad movie may help, but i forget it only help if you can cry. The movie is sad but i can't cry. Furthermore, i wake up this morning and the rain is pouring outside, so i can't run too.

Great, i am heading new low.

the emotions inside

still fighting the emotions inside and the medicine 'sports' seems starting to fade, so i went out and bought this korean film called 'sad movie'. Yes, this is what i am going to do, i am going to the other extreme, i'm going to bring myself to hit rock bottom and bounce. It'll work, right?

shirt...shit...

Went to buy a proper shirt for the graduation 'thing' tomorrow, and suddenly i realize how bored it is to find that all i have in my 48 inches closet are all t-shirts! However, since i have shoulder like a bear, i think t-shirt is the only kind of clothes that look good on me. Otherwise, i think i'll look like 'HULK', you know, that green monster that likes to explode his clothes...

Don't fail me

Went running again. Today i have been to the shittiest meetings ever in this whole year, witnessing an asshole came to power and showing it off in the meeting, what made me so upset is that i thought i was done with it, i thought i have done letting others affect me, i thought i walked past it, i thought i was immune. And the truth is, i am not, but i can't fail myself again, not again, or i will walk straight back to the 'shit-storm' like my whole last year, that's why i left, that's why i needed a change, that's why i needed a fresh start. I'll need my will on this and so, i went running again.

i ran for 17 laps and when i stopped, my legs are shaking, my lungs are sore, my heart is jumping like hell but i am relieved beacuse my will has taking over my body and i know i still have a strong will. This time i won't fail myself.

more sweat

Went running again on this after-the-rain, not so shinny Tuesday afternoon. A friend asked me why i started running, i guess the reason is nine out of ten(myself included) of the people i know are not happy with their phisical conditions. Instead of taking some action this is what we keep doing: We eat shit, We say shit but We ain't do shit about it. And i think that's it for me, i am fed up with it and this is what i'm going to do: pick up sports and work on my diet.

(P.S. 1. sorry for using the 'brown' word so often.
2. cut my hair too damn short, look like a military soldier..shit..'shit' i am using the 'brown' word again...)

sweat is the medicine

After two days of running at the King's Park Hill, gallons of sweat has been lost and my self-healing system is now re-activated!